Catullus: The Abridged Series.

I

Here you go, Atticus,

Here's my new book.

Not as clever as yours,

But still worth a look.

II

Lesbia loves

To play with my dick.

I wish it were this fun

When I play with it.

III

I can't get it up,

Though I've spent hours trying.

It's definitely dead.

And now Lesbia's crying.

IV

I love my boat; 

It was a tree.

We sailed across the

Seven seas.

V

Let's run away, love

And spend our time kissing.

While all the old perverts

We will be dismissing.

VI

Come on, Flavius, mate

Who's that girl you've been fucking?

I know you've got someone,

So come on, stop ducking!

VII

Kissing is brilliant

We should do it lots

I really like kissing

I like it a lot.

VIII

Buck up Catullus,

You're being a wuss.

Get over Lesbia,

Stop making a fuss.

(Pretend I don't want her

And she might return-

So: Joke's on you, Lesbia

Who wants you now? BURN.)

X

Oh please, you cheap tart

Of course I've got style,

Yes, I've got litter-bearers

- What? Borrow them a while?

XIII

Hey Fabullus, come over

And we'll have a great time

Oh, I forgot to mention 

Bring food, guests and wine.

I'm awfully skint still,

But tell you what, bro,

Come sniff Lesbia, and 

Pray to be a nose...

XXXI

Oh I do love to be beside the seaside

Oh I do love to be beside the sea...

I get back from work

Go back to bed

It's time to rest

My weary head

Oh I do love to be beside the seaside...

Tiddly-om-pom.

XXXIV

Oh shit, all these poems

Are really quite rude.

Here's one to a goddess

So I don't seem lewd.

And that's as far as I've got, translation wise.